Stop Complaining About the Iran War — I’m Cashing In (Opinion)

All I hear these days are complaints about President Donald Trump’s conflict with Iran. Speaking as a self-described modest oil executive, reclining on the wraparound porch of my third mansion and staring out at the Pacific, I find those complaints personally insulting.

Yes, the word 'war' carries terrible connotations. But let’s look at the bottom line — specifically, the oil industry’s bottom line. From where I sit, business is booming.

Consider The New York Times headline from July 31: 'Iran War Drives Oil Profits to Highest Levels in Years.' In its second-quarter earnings reports that same day, Chevron disclosed $12.1 billion in profit between April and June (versus $2.5 billion a year earlier), and ExxonMobil posted $14.5 billion — more than double its year-ago quarter.

I even had my staff arrange themselves into a human abacus on the polo field of my second mansion to confirm the math: almost a fivefold jump for Chevron. (They’ll get extra beans in their sustenance canisters tonight.)

U.S. Military Casualties

• Pvt. Isabella Gonzalez — killed in an attack on Muwaffaq Salti Air Base, Jordan.
• 1st Lt. Tyler James Feehan, 25 — killed July 18 at Muwaffaq Salti Air Base, Jordan.
• Cmdr. Gabriel Edwards — presumed dead after a U.S. Navy helicopter emergency landing in the Arabian Sea (identified after a multi-day search).
• Major John “Alex” Klinner, 33 — died March 12, 2026, when the U.S. aircraft he was aboard crashed in Iraq.
• Sgt. 1st Class Noah Tietjens — died March 1, 2026, in an attack in Kuwait.
• Other service members reported killed include Capt. Seth Koval, Capt. Curtis Angst, Tech. Sgt. Tyler Simmons, and Chief Warrant Officer 3 Robert Marzan.

The human cost is real, and casualties deserve solemn attention. But as an opinion piece written in a deliberately exaggerated voice, the columnist frames those losses against the backdrop of corporate profits and political influence.

Critics rightly point out that what Mr. Trump once described as a 'little excursion' is escalating into a regional conflict: Iran-aligned Houthis are attacking merchant vessels in the Red Sea, proxies in Iraq have launched drone strikes toward Riyadh, and strikes and tensions have affected Egypt and Jordan. Shifts like the temporary closure of the Strait of Hormuz have driven up oil prices and global market anxiety.

The piece also highlights the political leverage of the oil industry. Environmental group Climate Power estimates 'Big Oil' spent roughly $450 million to influence the 2024 election cycle and the 118th Congress, and reporting has tied about $75 million in direct donations to Mr. Trump and his campaign committees. The columnist uses satire to suggest industry donors expected favorable outcomes — and to mock the idea that corporate profits will meaningfully trickle down to ordinary Americans.

'Maybe if they owned a human abacus, the arithmetic of this war would seem more sensible,' the columnist quips — an intentionally biting and ironic observation about wealth, power and public sacrifice.

This is an opinion piece by Rex Huppke that uses a mocking persona — a gleeful oil executive — to critique the intersection of war, profit and political influence. Readers should treat the tone as satirical even as the underlying data about profits, casualties and political spending reflect reported figures.

Two American soldiers were killedin an attack in Jordan, including Isabella Gonzalez, raising the U.S. military death toll in the Iran war to 17.Pvt. Gonzales, killed in action in an Iranian attack on Muwaffaq Salti Air Base, Jordan, in this image taken at a location given as Germany, released on July 20, 2026.(10th Army Air and Missile Defense Command/Handout, via Reuters)

1st Lt. Tyler James Feehan, 25, 2nd Battalion, 55th Air Defense Artillery Regiment, 32nd Army Air and Missile Defense Command, was killed in action July 18 during an enemy attack at Muwaffaq Salti Air Base, Jordan.(Brooke Parcus, U.S. Army Space and Missile Defense Command)

Sgt. Michael Emmanuel Swinton, 30, was killed in action during a controlled detonation of a downed One-Way Unmanned Aerial System July 19, 2026, at Erbil Air Base, Iraq.(Brooke Parcus, U.S. Army Space and Missile Defense)

Cmdr. Gabriel Edwards is presumed dead after a U.S. Navy helicopter made an emergency landing in the Arabian Sea on July 1. He was identified as the missing crew member following a dayslong search.(Commander, Naval Air Force Atlantic)

Major John “Alex” Klinner, 33, died on March 12, 2026, along with five other service members, after the U.S. aircraft they were on crashed in Iraq.(Courtesy Photo, DVIDS)

An undated photo of Capt. Ariana G. Savino, 31, of Covington, Wash., assigned to the 6th Air Refueling Wing at MacDill Air Force Base, Fla. Savino was one of six Airmen who died March 12, 2026, when a KC-135 aircraft crashed in western Iraq while supporting Operation Epic Fury.(Secretary of the Air Force)

An undated photo of Tech. Sgt. Ashley B. Pruitt, 34, of Bardstown, Ky., assigned to the 6th Air Refueling Wing at MacDill Air Force Base, Fla. Pruitt was one of six Airmen who died March 12, 2026, when a KC-135 aircraft crashed in western Iraq while supporting Operation Epic Fury.(Secretary of the Air Force)

U.S. Army Sgt. Benjamin N. Pennington, 26, of Glendale, Kentucky, assigned to the 1st Space Battalion, 1st Space Brigade, Fort Carson, Colo, died March 8, 2026, from wounds sustained during an enemy attack on March 1, 2026, at Prince Sultan Air Base, Saudi Arabia.(Dottie Henderson, U.S. Army Space and Missile Defense Command)

U.S. Army Reserve Maj. Jeffrey O’Brien, 45, of Waukee, Iowa, assigned to the 103rd Sustainment Command, died March 1, 2026, in Kuwait at the Port of Shuaiba during an unmanned aircraft system attack.(Gloria Holt, U.S. Army Reserve Command)

U.S. Army Reserve Sgt. 1st Class Nicole Amor, 39, of White Bear Lake, Minnesota, assigned to the 103rd Sustainment Command, died March 1, 2026, in Kuwait at the Port of Shuaiba during an unmanned aircraft system attack.(Brent Newton, U.S. Army Reserve Command)

U.S. Army Reserve Sgt. Declan Coady, 20, of Des Moines, Iowa, assigned to the 103rd Sustainment Command, died March 1, 2026, in Kuwait at the Port of Shuaiba during an unmanned aircraft system attack.(Brent Newton, U.S. Army Reserve Command)

U.S. Army Reserve Capt. Cody Khork, 35, of Winter Haven, Florida, assigned to the 103rd Sustainment Command, died March 1, 2026, in Kuwait at the Port of Shuaiba during an unmanned aircraft system attack.(Brent Newton, U.S. Army Reserve Command)

Sgt. 1st Class Noah Tietjens died in the attack on March 1, 2026, in Kuwait, the Pentagonsaid.Other US service members killed in the Iran War are: Capt. Seth Koval, 38, Capt. Curtis Angst, 30, Tech. Sgt. Tyler Simmons, 28 andChief Warrant Officer 3 Robert Marzan, 54.(Brent Newton)

President Donald Trump presides over a Cabinet meeting at Camp David in Thurmont, Maryland, on July 31, 2026.