Holidays Apart: How U.S. Immigration Policy Forced My Husband Back to Mexico

On a normal Thanksgiving I would have made sure Nef had pecan pie after the big meal — it’s his favorite. It’s not the flavor that matters so much as that small gesture of thanks for his gift of finding joy and contentment in life.

This year was anything but normal.

Nef (short for Neftalí) grew up in Puebla, Mexico. After his father died when he was a teenager and the family sank deeper into poverty, he came to the United States to work and send money home so his relatives could survive. I met him in 2008 while he was working in Hell’s Kitchen; he was funny and bright in a way that felt almost unreal — the kind of light that helped me get through difficult holidays and kept hope alive.

We married in 2017, fully aware his immigration status was uncertain. I believed I could protect him or advocate for him if he were detained, but deep down I feared there might be no legal remedy in the U.S., even if we filed paperwork or tried to “get in the right line.” After years of expensive lawyers and repeated filing fees, my fears were confirmed.

We are a mixed-status couple: one of us is a U.S. citizen and the other is a noncitizen who could be deported at the government’s discretion. Many people assume that marrying a citizen automatically protects a partner from deportation or guarantees a path to citizenship. That is not true.

I have tried everything. I met with elected officials in New Jersey and made several trips to Capitol Hill. American Families United, the organization I work with that represents couples like ours, also intervened. The only meaningful solution would be a change in federal law.

That reality forced us into a choice no married couple should have to make: live with the constant fear that Nef might be swept up by an out-of-control immigration system, or send him back to Mexico and risk being apart for at least 10 years before he could reapply for a green card. I could not bear the thought of him being detained.

On Oct. 2, Nef left the home we built together — the only country he has known as an adult — and returned to Mexico. I went with him. I felt relieved that he would be safer there with his family than here in the United States, but returning to the U.S. alone left my heart and mind split between two countries. That is why I skipped Thanksgiving this year, the first since we’ve been together: I could not face the holiday and everything it represents without him by my side.

“I am furious at what my country has done by taking away the person who has been my safety net for the last decade and a half.”

My grief is paired with anger. I am furious that the laws treat couples like us as if we chose the wrong partner, and I’m angry for the estimated 1.5 million people across the country living in the same precarious situation. Congress can change this: the American Families United Act is a modest, targeted bill that would give judges the discretion to keep mixed-status couples together. This is a solvable problem and Congress must act.

Christmas is approaching. A holiday that has always been a family celebration will be quiet this year. Old traditions now stir pain and anger: I’m both relieved I don’t have to pretend everything is fine in front of others and fearful of another glaring reminder of what is missing.

Meanwhile, Nef and I are committed to making our marriage work across borders. We text and video chat every day. I plan to fly to Mexico in the spring and will go as often as I can afford. We hope more Americans will understand this injustice and demand a solution so that one day Nef and I can be reunited in our home in New Jersey.

Julie Moreno is a New Jersey native, a business owner and a member of the leadership team at American Families United, an organization that advocates for mixed-status families. This is her first holiday season without her husband since they married nine years ago.